Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

Champ and Duramed Futures Tour renew sponsorship contract

MARLBOROUGH, Mass. -- Champ Spikes and the Duramed Futures Tour have renewed a long-standing agreement continuing Champ’s sponsorship as the official golf spike of the Futures Tour. With this extension, Champ has been the official spike of the Futures Tour for nearly a decade. Under the agreement, Champ will continue to provide spikes to all tour members and also conduct a new in-season competition, the “Last Champ Standing.”

“Champ has been a loyal supporter of the tour and women’s golf for many years,” said Zayra F. Calderon, Duramed Futures Tour CEO. “They have done an excellent job leveraging their tour partnership and the result has led CHAMP to being the No. 1 spike on our tour and the LPGA Tour. Players appreciate their support and are looking forward to a great year with CHAMP, as well as competing in the new competition.”

The “Last CHAMP Standing” competition is a season-long event designed to reward FUTURES Tour players wearing CHAMP spikes, based on their tournament finish each week, with the champion earning a $2500 first prize check as the “Last CHAMP Standing” at the season-ending I LOVE NY Championship in September in Albany, NY.

After the first ten tournaments, the top 16 Tour players on the CHAMP points list will qualify for the Sweet 16 CHAMP-ions Match Play, a bracket style tournament in which the players will go head-to-head in a single elimination 9-hole match play tournament. The final two will square off in Albany in September.

“The Duramed FUTURES Tour is a vital part of our marketing plan,” said John Healy, Director of Global Marketing at CHAMP. “We know that all of these players are working toward earning LPGA Tour status. Our goal is to provide players with equipment they can wear comfortably and confidently, and that will provide them with the traction they need to reach the next level. If you look at any LPGA leaderboard, you will see that it is filled with Duramed FUTURES Tour alumnae and most of them are wearing our spikes.”

About CHAMP

CHAMP is a division of MacNeill Engineering Worldwide, which has been designing and manufacturing athletic footwear components since 1931. The company has been a pioneer in cleat technology since it introduced the world's first locking spike: SURE-LOK. Since then, MacNeill Engineering has grown to be the world leader in the sport cleat industry with revolutionary offerings which include the CHAMP Q-LOK System®, used in all Nike®, Puma®, Hi-Tec® and ECCO® golf shoes; the CHAMP TRI-LOK® system, which fits shoes by Foot Joy®, Adidas® and Etonic®; as well as the most complete line of innovative spikes in the world, including the new CHAMP Scorpion STINGER™ spikes, CHAMP ScorpionSpike®; and CHAMP TRAC™ spikes.

About the Duramed FUTURES Tour

Called “The Road To the LPGA and Beyond,” the Duramed FUTURES Tour has become the world’s largest international women’s developmental tour. In its 28th competitive season this year, the Tour has remained committed to developing LPGA stars of tomorrow and creating viable role models for youth today. The top-five money winners each season earn automatic exemptions for the LPGA Tour. With more than 300 alumnae as current members of the LPGA, through 2007, former Duramed FUTURES Tour players have won a total of 329 LPGA titles, including 35 major championships. Duramed FUTURES Tour events have contributed more than $4 million to charitable organizations throughout the nation since 1989. For more information, visit www.duramedfuturestour.com

Contact: Jackie Beck, public relations, Duramed FUTURES Tour, 860-304-3643, jackie@duramedfuturestour.com.